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Compliments -- the fertilizer
careers grow in
The problem with being nice is that it is not very
interesting. People who are like magnets at the water cooler are the
people who have dirt to dish.
But if you want your boss to like you, you should
give him compliments. I know, it sounds very close to brown-nosing.
But if you are empathetic and insightful, you will find genuine
ways to compliment your boss.
I never knew how important complimenting one's boss
was until I did it, mostly by accident. My boss was giving a speech
to the company that was full of bad news, and I knew it was hard
for him. So I went to his office after the meeting, and I said,
"You delivered the bad news really well. People were shocked,
but they listened to you, and you made them hopeful."
His face brightened, and he said, in a surprised voice,
"Really?"
I realized that second how much my input meant to
him. It seemed pathetic, really. I had thought of him as a more
confident guy than that. But that's the thing about a compliment:
It disarms your boss and makes her think of you as an equal.
Studies show, in fact, that powerful people think
that people who offer them praise are smarter and more likeable
than the rest. This is, in part, because powerful people receive
fewer compliments.
Not surprising. It is the job of powerful people to
look like they don't care what everyone else thinks of them. But
in fact, everyone needs compliments, and part of the reason for
the desert-like feeling at the top is that men give fewer compliments
than women, and we all know who is dominating the top ranks.
So start crafting your compliments now.
But don't brown-nose. The difference between a genuine
compliment and a desperate brown-nosing attempt is empathy and insight.
If you understand what worries your boss, and you understand what
she is working hard at, personally, then you will know which areas
to watch for success. Don't just say "good job" for the
sake of it. Say "good job" in an area where you know your
boss is nervous.
But wait. Don't say, "Good job." The most
effective compliments are very specific. In fact, Mark Knapp, a
communications professor at the University of Texas, found that
creative words are more memorable than standard words. And praise
of character is the most rare and most memorable praise of all.
For example, "The compassion with which you delivered the layoff
news was remarkable."
That said, it is important to be a trusted resource
to your boss, and this means you need to be able to deliver bad
news as well as good news. I will never forget the employee who
told me, "You know how everyone laughs at your jokes at the
staff meeting? Well, the jokes are not that funny, but it's an audience
of people who report to you, so they laugh. You should stop with
the jokes."
It was crushing to hear that I was not funny. But
it's worse to think that someone would have let me go on and on.
(Though sometimes I tell myself that I was, indeed, funny, but that
employee didn't get my humor.) In this case, the person's subsequent
compliments meant more to me because I knew she was honest with
me.
Another moment I remember is when my boss pulled me
into her office and said, "Joe (not his real name) is accusing
me of leading him on romantically. This is a serious accusation
since I am his boss. Do you think other people perceive me as leading
him on?"
I was floored that my boss would ask me this question.
Especially since she may have already been in a legal mess. But
I was flattered that she trusted me to give her an honest answer.
(The guy was a nut case.)
So give genuine compliments, but offer insightful
criticism as well. And remember that if you compliment your boss,
he'll think you're smarter so he'll take your criticism more seriously.
-- Posted: Dec. 22, 2003
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